Alucard gets fired
by Michael McDoesn'texist
Summary: Through a series of unfortunate events, Alucard may risk being fired from the Hellsing organisation. Will he be able to convince Sir Integra to let him stay?


**Been a while since I last saw the OVA, but methinks I can still work with it.**

* * *

"Alucard are you in here?" Integra asked as she slowly opened the door to Alucard's room.

The vampire was sitting on his knees, about an inch away from the tv-screen.

"C'MON DORA THE FUCKING BACKPACK IS RIGHT THERE, JUST USE YOUR EYES YOU DUMB WHORE!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.

Integra slowly closed the door. "Right. That's not gonna happen right now..." She mumbled.

* * *

"Do ya think you can get trough to him Walter?" Integra asked the butler.

"Well, I'm not entirely sure sir. But, I do believe it will be worth the shot." Walter said. He grabbed the doorhandle and carefully opened the door.

"Excuse me Alucard, but Sir Integra..." Walter started, but by then, Alucard had already released his restrictions and he completely obliterated Walter within a fraction of a second.

"SOD OFF! I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE ADVENTURES OF JIMMY NEUTRON, BOY GENIUS! THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT, ALRIGHT?" And with that he slammed the door shut, leaving Sir Integra dripping with blood in the hallway. She picked her nose and hummed. "Who else can I get to help?"

* * *

"You sure this is safe Sir Integra?" Seras asked, visibly shaking. "I mean, if poor Walter had to suffer such a terrible fate, than what do you suppose he's gonna do with me if I disturb him?" Sir Integra took a sip from her bottle of whiskey and said: "Well, you're a vampire too now, so it won't be that big of a deal. At least start by opening the door for fuck's sake."

Seras gulped and slightly opened the door. Immediatly she heard:

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! SPONGEBOOOOB... SQUAREPAAAAAANTS!"

She slammed the door shut and nope'd the fuck out of there.

* * *

Anderson chuckled. "Well, isn't this fucking ironic? The filthy protestant bastards need me to pull their vampire pet out of his cage. Really, how incompetent can an organisation be?"

Sir Integra shoved two cigars in her mouth and muttered: "Just get the job done. I don't need your shit right now fam."

Anderson's grin widened. "Alright then! Here goes! FOR NARNIA!" The wicked Father jumped through the door. Sir Integra heard five seconds of rumbling before Anderson came back out with a bathroom sink in his rectal cavity.

"Urgh... forgive me Father." He muttered. "But this feels quite nice actually..." And that wide grin reappeared on his face.

* * *

Now, Sir Integra had had enough. She called Alucard downstairs.

"Alucard get your bum down here, right now."

"But I'm almost halfway through..."

"This is NOT open for discussion Alucard! NOW!"

Alucard teleported in front of her and said: "What? Can you be quick about it? I'm looking an amazing episode of Danny Phantom..."

Sir Integra threw her fist on the desk. "Shut up! All you do here is jerk off and watch cartoons for little kids Alucard! When was the last time you actually completed a mission? What about your tasks around the mansion? What about them Alucard?"

Alucard looked down, embarassed. "I'm sorry my master. I have not done anything these last few months..."

"MONTHS?" Integra yelled and jumped up from her seat.

"That's it! You are fired mister! You hear me? FIRED!"

"WHAT? NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!" Alucard yelled.

"Oh yes I fucking can! Get out! I don't want to see you here anymore!" Integra yelled.

Alucard then ran out, crying.

Seras walked in right after.

"You didn't really fire him, did you master?" She asked, a bit worried.

Sir Integra sighed and drank another cigar before she put a bottle of whiskey in her mouth. Or was it the other way around?

"Nah, I just wanted to scare him." She said as she puffed out a ring of whiskey-smoke. "In fact, I needed him 20 minutes ago for the giant army of Nazi-vampires that's currently gathered in front of the mansion along with... wait..." Integra said.

And then the mansion was overrun by the forces of Millenium. The vampires killed the entire staff and then took Integra and Seras to their scary laboratory/sex dungeon where they did all sorts of spooky things to them (not all science related). All while the Major recorded it and posted it on the internet. Alucard meanwhile just watched the spectacle unfold before he went to visit the Dandyman for a nice game of poker. He lost. Loser...

* * *

 _ **The End**_

* * *

 **I barely even watch anime lol this was the only one I genuinly liked XD**


End file.
